martini

How to Make a Perfect Mixerman Martini in 12 Easy Steps:

So, you want to know how Mixerman makes a martini? I mean, what do you think you were going to find when you placed your mouse over the virtual martini and clicked? A link to a vodka sponsor? (Note to self: Call Skyy Vodka ASAP)

I’m not going to lie to you here. Making a perfect Mixerman martini is time consuming and requires attention to detail far beyond what you may have encountered in the making of your typical nightcap. That’s because the Mixerman Martini is anything but typical. I assure you, once you’ve completed this 12-step program on Vodka Martini making, you will delight in pleasures far beyond your current imagination. Suffice it to say, not only will you be able to enjoy a refreshing beverage, you will likely grow as person—an added benefit well worth the effort of adhering both vigilantly and precisely to this instructional guide.

Step 1: Select your Vodka.

This is without a doubt, the most important step in the process. It is the foundation of a high quality Vodka Martini. Let me be perfectly clear: ONLY THE FINEST VODKAS SHALL BE USED IN A MIXERMAN APPROVED MARTINI!

Personally, I like Vodkas that are made from either grain or potatoes. Some potato vodka snobs (and yes, these snobs do exist) might recommend strongly against partaking in Vodkas derived from grain. Some might go so far to say that the only real vodka is made from potatoes. I disagree. Even if these grain doomsayers are technically correct, I find some grain Vodkas to be remarkably satisfying. Regardless, that’s not the most important factor in selecting your vodka.

What separates the boys from the men (as it were) in Vodkas, is the filtration process. Fine vodka must go through a MINIMUM of a 4 stage filtration process. Filtration, is the key ingredient to high quality vodka. Yes, certainly high quality potatoes or grain are important, but I can assure you, any distiller that filters their vodka 4 times is also attentive to this particular detail. Contrary to what you might think, finding vodkas that have been through such a rigorous filtration process are not hard to find. Believe me; any distiller that filters their vodka in this manner will clearly label their bottle with such information. In the meantime, I’ll point you to a few of my favorites.

Belvedere, Chopin, and Stolichnaya Gold are all top notch Vodkas produced with a quadruple filtration process. I won’t kid you here; these are expensive Vodkas—especially in States with State Liquor stores. Ai Karamba! You poor souls are getting ass raped by your State Liquor stores, but I’ll spare you that rant.

Now, if these particular Vodkas are out of your price range, then I would recommend Skyy Vodka. It’s made in San Francisco and you don’t end up paying the extra tariffs placed on import vodkas. I’ve extensively A/Bed Skyy with some of the more expensive Vodkas, surprisingly; the difference in quality of taste is marginal in comparison to the difference in price. And if you follow my steps carefully, a Skyy Vodka martini can be stunningly delicious. So for you price conscious choppers shoppers out there, I’d seriously consider Skyy Vodka.

Step 2: Fill a martini glass to the rim with ice and water. Set aside to chill.

I shouldn’t really have to explain this, but I will anyway. It is absolutely essential that your vodka be as cold as possible. As it is, you only have 4 minutes in which your martini is the proper temperature for consumption. If you pour your martini into a warm glass, your martini will be unsuitable for drinking before you’ve even begun.

Now, don’t get any ideas here. I already know what you’re thinking. You’re actually considering freezing your vodka.

DO NOT STORE YOUT MARTINI VODKA IN THE FREEZER!

You will ruin your martini. Not only that, but you will be fucking hammered after just one martini because the ice won’t melt in the ice cold vodka. Essentially, you’ll be drinking straight vodka! An entire glass of it! So take it from someone that’s tried this particular genius stunt and barely lived to tell about it; always, ALWAYS use vodka stored at room temperature.

Step 3: Fill a martini shaker with ice, and pour 3 or 4 glugs of high quality vodka over the ice.

I know, I know, what the hell is a glug? Right? Well, before I address what a “glug” is, let me just make sure we understand each other here.

ALL MARTINIS SHOULD BE CHILLED UP WITH OLIVES!

Now this might be slightly controversial, I know, but I contend that anyone who prefers a martini on the rocks is a lazy piece of shit that doesn’t even deserve to DRINK martinis let alone make them. In fact, I am so vehemently against ice—and lemon peels for that matter—that I must request those of you with such particularly distasteful preferences to please find the nearest exit. Try the “Buy the Book” tab, that’s always a good way out.

Now then. A glug.

Measuring your vodka pour is easy when using the soon to be universal glug measurement. First of all, if you’re using one of those pour spouts used at the bars, get rid of it. The only purpose for those is to restrict the flow of the liquid in such a way that it looks like the bartender is pouring considerably more than he actually is. Besides, you can’t properly measure a glug using one of those devices.

Anyone that knows me understands that I make all measurements by ear. I even weigh myself by ear. I calculate how far I’ve traveled by ear. And measuring vodka is no exception. A glug is determined, quite simply, by listening. Pour the vodka into the shaker, as you pour, listen very carefully for the pending backlash of air, which momentarily restricts the flow of vodka. Each backlash represents the measurement of one glug. You will need a minimum of 3 glugs to properly fill a martini glass.

Step 4: Shake the martini.

A good martini must be well oxygenated; otherwise it’s not a martini at all. Stirring does not adequately oxygenate a martini. Even James Bond knew that. The harder you can shake the martini, the better your martini will be. For shaking purposes, I always recommend a commercial grade paint shaker, (just like the one they have at your local paint store). I realize convincing the old wiffie can be difficult, but think of it this way: your wife can just up and leave you one day, a Vodka martini will be with you for the rest of your life. Besides, you can get rid of the bread basket and give the paint shaker double duty (just remember to remove the bread before shaking your martini). Believe me, it’s a worthwhile investment if you’re going to be drinking lots of Vodka Martinis. Clamp the martini shaker into the paint shaker, and run for 1 minute. Pause for 30 seconds, run again for 1 minute.

Step 5: Dump out the ice vermouth from your martini glass.

Your glass should be sufficiently chilled by now.

Step 6: Fill the martini glass to the rim with refrigerated Dry Vermouth and let stand for 30 seconds.

It is very important, in making a Mixerman Martini, to permeate the entire glass with the vibe of vermouth. Make sure the vermouth is stored on the top shelf of your refrigerator. You do not want to warm up the glass after all your hard work thus far. Occasionally, I fill the glass with ice and vermouth instead of water at step 2, but this does not always adequately permeate the glass with the vibe of vermouth, therefore, I must recommend against this as a usual course.

I realize that this method is somewhat unorthodox, but if you want the greatest martini you’ve ever had, then you’re just going to have to go with me here.

Step 7: Dump out all the vermouth, and dry the glass with a paper towel.

You don’t actually want to put any measure of undistilled wine in your fine vodka do you?

Step 8. Place 2 pimento filled martini olives in the glass.

Make sure they are martini olives. If you use Spanish olives, Italian seasoned olives, garlic filled olives, onion filled olives, or any other olive other than a martini olive; you will ruin your martini. Martini olives are generally stored in a combination of olive juice, and vermouth. Be sure to shake the vermouth liquid off the olives and then carefully dry them with a fresh paper towel. Carefully place the vermouth free olives in your martini glass. Do not worry about dehydrating the olives with the paper towel. The Vodka will sufficiently hydrate them. Toothpicks, plastic or otherwise are not to be used in to hold the olives together. The olives must be free and unencumbered to roll about in the martini, and no foreign materials are ever to touch your martini.

Step 9. Use the strainer from your mixer to pour the vodka into the martini glass.

If you used the commercial grade paint shaker as I do, then there likely won’t be any ice whatsoever, other than chips small enough to pass through just about any strainer slightly more porous than a cheese cloth. In this case, just pour. If you have shaken by hand, then use the strainer, and shake out every drop that you can.

Step 10: Say a toast to Mixerman.

It’s always important to wish well to those that have supplied you to the secret of enlightenment. A simple and resounding “ENJOY” will suffice. Longer and more meaningful epilogues are appreciated, but your martini is warming at an alarming rate, and I’d hate to see it ruined on my account.

Step 11: Drink

DELICIOUS!

Step 12: Eat Olives

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: I take no responsibility for anyone idiotic enough to follow this 12-step program and get behind the wheel of a car. You will surely die, or kill another. At the very least you will be pulled over and arrested for your stupidity, costing you a veritable fortune and possible public embarrassment. Therefore, I recommend these particular drinks only on those occasions that you either have a designated driver, or you’re home for the evening.

Enjoy,

Mixerman

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